Sunday 30 May 2010

Week 35: Insomnia, maternity leave, piles

I had a really good cry today because I am just too tired and frustrated. For over a month now I haven't been able to get a decent's night sleep, mainly because having a large womb pressing down on me really leaves me so uncomfortable in bed and nothing I do seem to help. I wake to go to the toilet so many times a night and once I am up I find it hard to fall asleep again. That's why in the day I sometimes feel really tired and grumpy and today I just felt I had enough and I had to let it all out.

I let myself wallow in self-pity for a while because I think I needed to release all my pent-up frustrations. Walking and getting around is getting really difficult now that my belly is so heavy. While I used to be able to shop non-stop for a good few hours in town, I now need to find somewhere to sit down every so often because it hurts my back to stand for so long.

I am also finding myself increasingly unappealing - my body is out of shape, I am bulky and clumsy, my nipples are so huge and dark, I am so fat. Plus I've also developed pregnancy piles which I was told would get worse right after childbirth because of the pushing and straining. Lovely! No wonder I feel grumpy and miserable.

I think it has come to a point where I am really looking forward to giving birth not just because I want to meet Bean but also because I desperately want to get rid of this bulging tension around what used to be my waist. I long for the day to come where I can once again lie on my belly and opening cupboards or doors without banging myself in the tummy.

Friday was my last day at work. I'll now be off till January 2011 and I have been waiting so long for my maternity leave to start. Now that it has, I am feeling a real sense of relief and freedom because I now have all the time in the world to finish up the last bits that need doing around the house.

Other updates this week include:
  • We didn't manage to buy a car in the end because the seller turned out to be a scumbag who probably sold it to someone else who was willing to pay more. He never bothered to get in touch with us to say the deal was off. So the quest is still on for a car.
  • H came down to stay with us over the weekend. We put her in the newly furnished guest room and she said she had a really comfortable stay. There was one day she didn't get up till noon!
  • I finally got someone to frame the four oil paintings we bought in Hanoi and they now hang in various rooms.
  • The dining room is ready! We moved our dining table and chairs in on Friday and shifted some furniture around in the room. It still looks a bit bare but it's a real good start!

Monday 24 May 2010

No regrets

Unless you are filthy rich, there is really no "good time" to have kids. There are always bills to be paid, a bit of renovation which needs to be done, new interesting world destinations you have yet to explore, that dream job you've always wanted to have, that "something" you have to do before you get too old, the freedom you find hard to sacrifice. And so, for many people, procreation gets right down to the bottom of their massive "to-do" list.

While I have always been certain I wanted children, I too got caught up in the "Now's not the time to get pregnant because I haven't done this yet!" dilemma. Until of course, my husband decided for me that "I don't know what you are waiting for, let's just do it." I doubted his fertility since he's much older and really did not for a moment believe we could get lucky so quickly. Even my crazy Fizzy Cola and meat cravings early on did not once raise my suspicions that I could be pregnant.

I wouldn't say the pregnancy was unplanned, but by the same token, I don't know if I should say it was planned? One thing's for sure - I definitely didn't feel ready for a baby when I fell pregnant. My husband just decided to "go with the flow" (no pun intended) and see what happens. In the end Bean was what happened and now 8 months down the line, we've got a proper strong wriggler stuck in my belly.

And somehow, though I don't know how, we even managed to see beyond the worries we initially had (finances, childcare, responsibilities, lifestyle adjustments), find a way to deal with them and look forward to a new journey ahead.

Bean has made us grow up quickly, to think of us not as a couple but now us as a family, to be prepared to make major changes and sacrifices to our lives. For instance, my body is and will never be the same after childbirth I suspect. I now have horrible black huge nipples, pregnancy piles, and skin darkening around my groin and inner thighs. Whether or not I will get my pre-pregnancy body back, I don't know.

Yet despite all this, I cannot imagine not having children, or not being able to be a mother. It's only now that I've realised that having kids is actually a big deal for me, much more than carving a career or being a corporate high-flier. I would even be content to be a full-time stay-home mum. Because I believe that any woman can be good at their job but a truly successful woman is one who brings her kids up right.

Sunday 23 May 2010

Week 34: Hospital, Paint, Marmite

I took 3 days off work this week to go to my hospital appointment on Monday, do bits around the house on Tuesday and attend the last antenatal workshop (3-day course) on Thursday.

Because of my underactive thyroid, I have been placed under consultant care during my pregnancy (which means I will be monitored by an obstetrician in the hospital on top of getting regular check-ups by the midwives at my local clinic). Frankly I don't think I need to be seen by a consultant because my GP can easily monitor my condition and adjust my dosage accordingly, but that's just the way things are.

So the obstetrician ordered another blood test and scheduled an appointment to see me in 2 weeks just to look at my blood results. I think it's a waste of time when I can just pop into my GP surgery across the road so I voiced my opinion but he was insistent I should be given a last check-up before I pop. Okay then, if you insist, I thought.

But the good thing that came out of the visit was he agreed I can be placed under home assessment when I start labour. This means that I can stay at home and be monitored by midwives at home when I start to feel the contractions rather than having to be admitted immediately like women placed under consultant care. Goodness only knows how long the latent phase of labour will last (could be days!) and I would rather be kept comfortable in my own house until I am actively labouring (contractions 5 minutes apart, cervix 4cm dilated) and should be heading to the hospital.

Anyway, on Tuesday, we touched up some grubby spots on the walls and ceilings of the house with white paint and also applied oil varnish on two new wooden kitchen trolleys. Perhaps it was the paint fumes which got to me but by the end of the day I was so drowsy and listless it made me feel horrible!

On Thursday we attended the last antenatal workshop in a series of three organised by the National Childbirth Trust. By some strange coincidence, out of the 8 people or 4 couples who attended the course, half work in hospitals. There was a pharmacist, anesthetist, doctor and R the nurse. Hey, they form a medical team!

I enjoyed the last part of the day where we got to bathe a plastic baby. It was fully dressed and had a nappy on as well. We were encouraged to handle it like we would handle a real baby- we were even told to wrap it up in a towel after undressing it so it wouldn't be cold.

When we were changing its diaper, we discovered our baby had marmite smeared all over its genitals (it had done a poop!) so we had to clean that up the best we could before bathing it in the small tub. R did quite a good job with changing his nappy and washing him so I think I shall delegate this task to him and concentrate on being a milk machine.

Other major updates this week:
  • Damn all those cakes, chocolates and ice-creams I have been stuffing myself with - I have put on another kilo so my total pregnancy weight gain is now 7kg. I am a fatty! Aaarrgh!
  • We bought a car! An old Vauxhall Astra Automatic because I am so hopeless with gears! I have to get over my fear of driving and start getting on the road again.
  • We also got a builder in earlier this week to dig up and re-lay the concrete slabs we have in the back garden because they were all warped and uneven. That's another £400 out of the bank but at least it looks a lot neater now.
  • I still sleep poorly, need to wee frequently (it's not fun rushing to the toilet thinking you have a full bladder but only weeing a tiny amount), and suffer from groin pain.
  • Bean has grown to the point where it now hurts when his head pushes down onto my cervix and his legs kicks around my stomach and ribs. He is the most active at dinner time and sleeps usually through the night and wakes up at around 9am. He's a good boy.

Sunday 16 May 2010

Week 33: Knackered!

On Sunday evening I did something which was so unlike me. I napped. I slept from 6-8pm. Normally I don't take naps because I find that it affects my sleep at night, and even though lots of pregnant women find that snoozing really helps to get them through the day, I have never needed an afternoon kip, until this week.

It has been a busy week. On top of work, I juggled other activities such as attending antenatal classes, supervising wallpapering and travelling a long way to Kent to attend M's wedding over the weekend.

It was wonderful to be a part of M's big day and I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend of catching up with friends but I think the 6-hour journey by public transport to the wedding location on Saturday and then the 4-hour ride back home in our friend's car on Sunday really took it out of me. Especially at this stage of my pregnancy where I am really now finding it a struggle to be mobile.

Somehow, Bean seemed to have dramatically increased in size over a matter of days. R has to hug me from the side where we are standing perpendicular to each other so my bump doesn't get in the way. On some days my groin would hurt so bad that just walking to the corner shop seemed too much for me. I am suddenly finding my bump so big and heavy to carry around.

With him pressing down on my pelvis, I am getting up at least three times a night to wee. Because my belly is now so big, tossing and turning in bed really takes some effort, not to mention that if on top of this he gets restless and decides to kick, punch or squirm, it would then be impossible to really get a decent night's rest. I have on some nights woken up at 4am and could not get back to sleep. Why? I don't know. I guess that is why I get so tired in the day.

Like they say, this could be nature's way of preparing the mother for when the baby arrives and demands milk throughout the night. This last leg of the race is especially difficult to run and now I just can't wait to experience the instant physical relief childbirth will bring.

Sunday 9 May 2010

Week 32: Growth spurt!

We went to see the midwife on Friday for the routine check-up and she said, "Oh my, you've definitely had a growth spurt!" Really? I thought. I don't feel I have grown that much. But still, I've posted some pictures so you can be the judge.

I have put on another kilogram, so that means I my total pregnancy weight gain so far is 6 kg. My uterus has definitely grown. A month ago my fundal height (length from top of uterus to top of pubic bone) was 28cm and it is now 31.5cm.

There was a male paramedic in the clinic who was doing some training with the midwife since they sometimes have to deliver babies. The midwife asked if it was okay for him to feel my bump and I said yes. So they prodded my belly and the midwife said Bean's head was down below although he hasn't yet engaged (that means the widest part of his head hasn't yet moved into the pelvis). Apparently once that happens, I will feel a sense of relief around my lungs and stomach but increased pressure in my bladder.

Everything else seems fine during the check-up but since I am now very close to giving birth, I will be seeing the midwife every 2 weeks.

I'm pretty proud of ourselves this week because we have been very productive around the house. On Thursday we went to IKEA (yes again, please god let this be the last time!) to pick up another six items of furniture. We put them all of these together within three days and have also gotten a proper dining table set, organised someone to do the wallpapering in the dining room and a builder to re-do the paving in the garden. Even though we are accomplishing lots, there is still so much to do before Bean arrives. Aaargh! I'm really hoping he doesn't come early.

My cold is almost completely gone but I don't feel I am getting as much sleep as I should because frankly there is little I can do to get comfortable in bed with a watermelon belly. Thankfully I can work from home on some days, take more days of annual leave and just ride it out to the best I can till I start my maternity leave at the end of the month. I do really feel I am now all ready to put work aside and be a full-time mum.

This week also, R and I went to visit K and her beautiful 2-week old baby boy. He's a real sweet-natured and well-behaved baby and I am just so chuffed for his parents! Looking at him just makes me want to be able to hold Bean in my arms as soon as possible!

Wednesday 5 May 2010

Determined to be happy

Most people tell me I look well and are even surprised that I appear bubbly and happy. I wonder why they seem surprised. Is it because it's more common to see pregnant mums who look tired waddling around with their huge bumps, spotty skin and greasy hair? 

I remember I used to have an ex-colleague just like that. She was SO grumpy when she was pregnant and I would feel so apologetic whenever I had to ask her to do something. She would get out of her chair with such annoyance and effort and waddle slowly to do the task. She never did her job with a smile. I used to be so overcome with guilt that I would buy her bars of chocolate afterwards to thank her for helping me, even though she was actually just doing her job. 

This happened a few years back but the image of this grumpy mother-to-be is still vividly ingrained in my brain. So when I got pregnant, I decided that a)I am going to make sure I look bloody good and b)I am not going to be grumpy and "immobile". 

Personally,  I think it's important to look good, because chances are you'd probably be feeling a little low about your self-image when you are pregnant. You know, putting on weight, skin may be oilier, boobs out of shape, waddling like a duck etc. And I've always found that if I make an effort to look nice, I often feel a lot better about myself. So even though I have only got a few maternity dresses to play around with, I try my very best to come up with different looks everyday, even if it means just putting on a different coloured cardigan. 

As far as possible, I make sure I am happy everyday. It was difficult initially because my mother-in-law was very ill and then we hit a rough patch when she passed away, but I really tried to free my mind from negative thoughts and energies and focus on being happy and carefree. 

It helps to have a supportive husband and being in a relatively stressless workplace with a great boss and nice colleagues. Although it feels special to have people fussing over me (like my colleagues won't even let me get up from my chair to get the doorbell!), I think contrary to the belief that one should "take things easy", pregnant women can and should still do quite a lot of things as per normal. 

Like, I can still move and carry things, as long as they are not too heavy and I do it slowly. Hell if I had children before this pregnancy I expect I would be carrying them around now. Like, I can still walk and take public transport, in fact walking is beneficial for the pregnancy, as long as you don't overdo it. Like, I can still crawl under my desk to look for that darn bottle cap I dropped when unscrewing my water. 

The only thing I won't and can't do now is to run for the bus or train, simply because I would look ridiculous and if I fell I may cause damage not only to myself but also to Bean. 

I just think that it's important to maintain a relaxed mood because your baby can experience your emotions through chemicals in your blood. And really the last thing I want is a grumpy baby who is hard to please. Of course I won't know if there is any truth to my theory until Bean arrives but I just feel it's a blessing to be able to have children and I want to be able to look back at my pregnancy and remember how much I have enjoyed it. 

Monday 3 May 2010

Week 31: The nursery is ready!

It took us the whole of April, but I am happy to now say that our baby room is finally ready!

Painting the room took the longest time because we put three coats on and had to spend time touching up bits here and there. We have a relatively new pine chest of drawers and bedside table which were my mother-in-law's and we are reusing them in Bean's room. Then we went to IKEA to get the cot bed. It was a pretty straightforward job putting it together and we only took about an hour.

I took two afternoons off this week to put the safari wall stickers up and to go into town to get Bean's laundry basket, bin, nursing pads, maternity sanitary towels and some other items we need around the house. I also ordered some soothing CDs online which I hope would lull him to sleep and in addition I got a cute wooden panel of hooks to be fixed behind his bedroom door for his clothes. The lovely bunting from Sarah's Loft came on Saturday and she told me she'd made me special ones because I'd written that it would be for my baby's room. That was very thoughtful of her.

In the coming weeks I need to properly launder his clothes and bedding as well as pack my hospital bag. It's not long to go now and I keep having this fear that he might come early and I haven't gotten anything ready.

I'm also experiencing quite a lot of groin pain and lower abdominal tenderness which I believe is due to the pressure from the growing bump as well as the baby pushing downwards. Bean is getting stronger and his kicks can now cause discomfort even though my bump is still very compact at this point. Most people would think I am only 6 months gone.

This week, while I am very satisfied with the progress we have made with Bean's room, I have unfortunately caught a cold which is leaving me quite tired because I can't get much sleep at night with my congested nose.

Honestly at this point in time I can't wait to finish work (another 3 more weeks) because all I can think of now is getting the house ready for Bean and my Mum!